How to let go is not erasing memories or forcing yourself to be strong. Letting go means no longer clinging — allowing pain to be pain without needing to fight it any longer.
Perhaps you have asked yourself: “I've tried for months to forget that person, but I can't. Am I doing something wrong?”
That question touches a very common misunderstanding: that letting go means forgetting. That still being in pain means you are not strong enough. That you must try before you can let go.
That is not the case. And that very “trying” is what holds you back.
1. Letting Go Is Not Forgetting
We often confuse two things: erase and put down. Erasing means using willpower to push pain out of awareness—by staying busy, avoiding that person's name, or “thinking positively.” But what is pushed away does not disappear. It only sinks deeper, waiting for a quiet night to resurface.
Setting it down is different. It is the moment you stop resisting the pain. You do not need it to disappear immediately. You simply stop resisting it.
You are not the pain. You are witnessing the pain.
When you understand that—truly understand it, rather than simply reading and nodding—something begins to loosen.
2. Why Do We Cling?
We cling for a very human reason: letting go means losing. Losing that person. Losing the version of yourself within that relationship. Losing hope that things could be different. And sometimes, clinging to pain is the only way we still feel connected to what we love.
But that connection does not nourish you. It merely keeps you standing still.
Clinging cannot keep what has gone. It only keeps you in the place it has left.
3. Turning the Light Inward—Asking “Who Is Hurting?”
In Awakening Meditation, there is a technique called Turning the Light Inward. This is the core of truly letting go.
When pain surges up, instead of asking “Why did he do that to me?” or “When will I stop hurting?” — you ask a simpler question, directed inward:
“Who is hurting from this?”
It sounds strange. But try it once.
When you ask that question—truly ask it, rather than just reading it—you begin to separate from the stream of emotions. You are no longer is the pain. You are the one who see the pain. And the one who sees is not swept away.
This is not a psychological trick. It is a truth about the structure of consciousness: that which knows is never what is hurting. Knowing is always greater, wider, and more peaceful than what it observes.
When you are quiet enough, someone within you always knows the answer.
4. Three Steps of Transformation—Not Escape
This guide to letting go contains no step that says “try to be stronger.” It moves through three rhythms:
- Recognition: Name what is present—not to judge, simply to recognize it. “This is pain. This is longing. This is the feeling of being left behind.”
- Acceptance: Let it be here for a moment—not welcoming it, not building it a home. Simply stop pushing it away. “Okay. You are hurting. That is all right.”
- Transformation: Ask the inward-reflection question— “Who is hurting from this?” — and rest in the observer's space. Nothing further is needed. That observation is itself transformation.
A wound does not need you to fight it. It needs you to embrace it fully until it dissolves on its own.
5. Practice Now—A 5-Minute “Stop Clinging” Exercise
You can do this right now, anywhere: in bed at 2 a.m., in the office restroom, or after finishing this article.
Step 1 (1 minute): Close your eyes or look down. Place a hand on your chest. Inhale slowly—exhale more slowly. That is all, three times.
Step 2 (1 minute): Name what is present. Do not analyze or explain. “I miss him. I feel sad. I'm afraid I'll stay like this forever.” Say it softly, or simply think it.
Step 3 (2 minutes): Ask gently— “Who is hurting from this?” Do not rush to answer intellectually. Just ask and listen. If something arises, let it arise. If nothing does, simply stay with that silence.
Step 4 (1 minute): Take three more breaths. This time, as you breathe out, imagine you are put down — not throwing away — the heaviness in your chest. As gently as setting a vase on a table.
You do not need to feel that “the pain is gone” after these 5 minutes. The goal is not the result. The goal is you stopped resisting it for 5 minutes. And that is already letting go — little by little.
6. Letting Go Does Not Mean No Longer Loving
For those reading and fearing that: “If I let go, it means I no longer attach such importance to that person” — that is not the case.
Letting go does not erase love. It does not wipe out memories. It does not say that what you experienced was not worthwhile.
Letting go is choosing no longer let the past control your present. That person may remain a cherished memory—but they do not need to control your sleep, emotions, and choices today.
Awakening is not becoming someone else — it is returning to yourself.
And that “self,” before and after every relationship, is still here. Still whole. Still worthy of love — first and foremost from you.
7. When Will You Know You Have Let Go?
There is no specific day. No “boom—it’s done” moment. Letting go happens gradually, like sunrise: you do not see it rising until you realize it has already become light.
The sign is not that you no longer think of that person. It is that when you do, you are no longer swept into the same vortex. There is a small silence between memory and reaction. And in that silence, you are there. Awake. A little freer.
If you want to go deeper into this journey, the Teacher Tạ Minh Tuấn’s books — especially The Journey of Awakening and A User’s Guide to Your Mind — extend these reflections to precisely such moments.
It is not easy. But it is possible.
⚠️ Note: This article offers spiritual reflections and practices and does not replace medical assessment or treatment. If you experience severe anxiety, depression, or emotional distress, consult a psychologist or doctor — for example through Inti Care — to receive appropriate support.
Frequently asked questions
How do you let go of someone you love when it still hurts?
Letting go does not mean the pain ends immediately. It means you stop fighting the pain. The simplest practice: place your hand on your chest, breathe, and gently ask— “Who is hurting from this?” That question helps you step out of the stream of emotions and become an observer—no longer swept away.
Does letting go mean no longer caring about that person?
No. Letting go does not erase affection or memories. It simply means choosing not to let the past control your present anymore. You can still remember without being imprisoned by that memory.
Why does trying harder to forget make forgetting harder?
Because “trying to forget” is an act of resistance — and what we resist persists longer. Instead of pushing an emotion away, try recognizing it and allowing it to be present. When not resisted, emotions often settle much faster on their own.
What is Turning the Light Inward, and why does it help with letting go?
Turning the Light Inward is a technique in Awakening Meditation — turning the light of awareness inward through the question “Who is aware of / hurting from this?”. When you ask that question, you shift from identify with with pain to observe the pain — and the observer is not swept away.
How long does it take to let go completely?
There is no fixed timeline. Letting go happens layer by layer, day by day, like sunrise: you do not see it rising until you realize it is light. Regular practice, even just 5 minutes a day, matters far more than trying to “finish quickly.”
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